lost & found

Ever since I've moved to a bigger room in 20th floor, I really couldn't be happier than to be home.

This makes me wonder why sometimes but being a nonchalant ignorant being I was born as, I couldn't care less about it.

Yes, the reason could be because there's more space to breathe in this room.

But today, the main reason is revealed to me by a decent, common incident

a broken lamp.

this standing lamp which is located just beside my desk, emits a soft yellowish light which blankets the room in a relaxing tangerine, just like the kind of mood you get when you see candlelight inside an aromatherapy burner.

for the past 3 months, it didn't crossed my mind that

actually this serene light has becoming some sort of a therapy for me

it plays a very important role in my well-being

(not to mention it is also the appliance to blame for causing me glued to my chair the whole darned night while spending the night away on the net)

and today when i got home in the evening and found out it's broken,

it's kinda hard for me to accept the fact that i must spend the evening without my daily therapy.

i still frantically tried switching it on and off a dozen times, and plug it into different electric sockets but none of it worked.

finally when i started to feel that all hope is lost,

i picked my sis' old, dusty table lamp, put it on the table, and plugged it.

we used this table lamp in the previous room before.

and it lights the table well. so i had high hopes.

i was hoping to find the same comfort from this light. i hope this small, decent table lamp could be the surrogate for the therapy light.

well, when i turned the switch on, the light was strong, bright and holy white.

but it dimmed my hope. it was nothing close to the therapeutic light i need so badly.

but however, i tried to cope with it anyway. but to be honest, i've lost almost half of my nocturnal mood to start with.

the truth is, i almost cancelled this posting due to lack of mood.

i'm sorry, table lamp. it's not your fault. you're doing it great.

it's just my sentimental inner child sulking when his safety blanket went missing.

well, here i am typing a posting almost half-heartedly and feeling that my midnight soul slowly slipping away.

whether the apocalypse's coming tomorrow, i have to get the lamp fixed by tomorrow.

looking from a brighter sentimental side is,

this incident actualy reminds me of a sweet memory from 6 years ago

which has brought me and my current boyfriend to the way we are now.

and i couldn't help but smiling when i remembered it.

well i guess there's indeed a revelation behind this seemingly common incident

in life, i imagined there is this small counter in the corner

the lost & found.

a small counter with countless shelves, with lots of things on them

maybe a passion, a watch, a brother, a confession unsaid, a letter from a friend, a baggage, or even a piece of heart.

things that you've lost, while out there you frantically searching for it,

and things that you found, a souvenir from the past reclaimed.

if right now there are things that you've lost,

you might as well have found something else you've never imagined.


-------------------- [01.31AM] yes. please do come tomorrow and fix my lamp again, like what you did 6 years ago :)

in the grey.

.

i've arrived to a point

where i can no longer tell

which is black, which is white.

which is which.

i am no longer sure of what i should do,

or what i should not.

be it right be it wrong,

i'm just asking for a piece of justice for you.

i never believed that things should be so unfair.

instead i believe that nothing is wasted.

at the end of this note, i'm still so unsure of what to say.

still in the grey, still sad, still confused, still in doubt,

still haunted by shadows of regret...

maybe i just say i love you.

coz right now,

that's the only thing i'm sure of.

good night and see you tomorrow.

hope you get a good rest so you'll be in a good mood tomorrow.

do know that i always wish for your happiness.


XOXO.




----------------------------------------------


[3.54AM] ....yes, i can't sleep.

a sentimental journey.

i once read an article saying that,

we are all students of the university of life.

every single one of us.

i guess it's true.

no matter how old you are,

or what you've been through,

or whether you've been doing the very same thing over and over again for years,

but the thing is,

you'll never stop learning no matter what.

there's always something new waiting to be found

a new perspective,

another revelation.

it also doesn't matter how long you've been sticking around with a person,

you'll be surprised to see how much more will be revealed.

after 6 years knowing him,

there's still always never enough of knowing.

i could say that i know him inside out now,

but i couldn't ever say that there's nothing that i don't know about him

knowing someone just never ends.

cause people changes--me and you,

and everything changes too.

today when i just feel that i really have known him inside out,

again, i've found something new.

it could be that i just discovered it.

it could be that he has changed.

or, it could be that i look upon it from another window.

it surprises me how endless is the possibility of learning something new

merely from simple things in life,

the smallest things which reveals many,

old, abandoned details with undiscovered thoughts buried underneath.

you'll never know.

and every time this brand new thoughts surface in my mind,

it never failed to amaze me.

it's like you've passed this small garden on the way to work, every frickin day of your life,

but one day you just discovered that a rare flower grows there,

or someone threw away an unopened letter there years ago,

or a lost lotto ticket that could've been a big win,

or you finally found out where mom dumps your old magazines.

it's this kind of small but sentimental revelations.

life is actually a series of sentimental journeys for me.

and every time this happens,

it always makes me smile when i realized that,

there's always more to life than we could ever imagined.





------------------------------------------------------

[02.31AM] thanks to your call, i got up from my bed with crazy energy and managed to write down this thought. you'll never know it only took two words from you, to inspire a posting. goodnight.

10 Things I Wish I'd Do Daily.

1. Get up early.

2. Go jogging for 30 minutes.

3. Work on daily manga & other personal artwork project.

4. Learn Japanese.

5. Do laundry.

6. Watch at least 1 episode of any Japanese anime/dorama & read at least 1 chapter of Japanese manga.

7. Blogging.

8. Read online newspaper.

9. Drink hi-calcium milk.

10. Sleep no later than 12 midnite.




[1.49] see, ever right this second I've failed no 10! >_<

Day 01

Okay. I am trying fulfill my own promise to write everyday.

Indeed there are millions of reasons to make me postpone writing. Postpone will then lead to mood loss and therefore lead to cancellation. And I have to get myself out of that doomed cycle before it's too late.

Well at least today i managed to sit still here and force myself to write.

You know what? Actually this isn't a simple matter to me. 20 minutes ago when I was walking back home alone from the MRT station, I remembered that I need to start writing. Now or Never. I was so frickin dead on serious on starting to write up to the point that I have been starting to think about what should I write when I passed the security guard at the apartment's gate.

I was like,

oh my God oh my God, it's getting nearer and nearer to the lift! What should I write?

As if I didn't start to write, death will come swiftly to me. Wait. Was it a line from Imhotep's sarcophagus? Am I gonna get cursed?

Yeah, so in the middle of panic attack, many thoughts crossed my mind on what to write.

Oh! Should I try automatic writing, like they taught us back then during early foundation days in college?
I remember it was fun tho I remembered vividly that the content of my automatic writing was so surrealistically emo. Yeah, I was WUI (Writing Under Influence) indeed.
Or should I just take shortcut and write something in point form or numbered stuff? Like, "10 Things I would Love To Do, but I Haven't Moved My Ass Ever Since." Or, "Daily Schedule of My Ideal Day." Or stuff like that, you know.

Yeah, I know. That's cheating. You know a captain cannot cheat death!

Sorry, yeah there's a slight chance I am recently a Trekkie. Or, there's an even bigger fatter chance that I'm a 25-year old frickin fangirl.


Yea, SRSLY!!

Enought with the LOLcat grammar. Scotty, beam me back to reality.

Yea, stuffs like that crossed my mind while I was in the frickin lift! Just imagined how much pressure that me and my big mouth put on myself!

Then I finally reached home and decided to write anything that came up my mind.
Well, at least the writing went quite smoothly, although there were indeed moments in the beginning where I repeatedly paused, staring blankly at the screen, and deleting the entire paragraph, regretting it, and retardedly re-type them all again. Oh well, things I do for the sake of a goddamn posting!

Well, I guess this is good enough for the first day. My posting is quite cynical but that doesn't matter! By the end of this posting. I will tell myself, "Hey look! You finally managed to type something out of the blue! Look, a decent posting... if you'd like to call it so!"

Okay, fine. I'm glad at least it turned out rather well. My goal here is to exercise brain-to-finger coordination day by day. I will keep on writing until I got my good ol days back where when I wanted to write a story, I didn't have to burden my mind with anything at all. All I did was simply sat in front of the computer, open MS Word, and after I set the font to 12 Times New Roman double spacing, voila!--my fingers just run like mad on the keyboard and lo, I saw before my very eyes, words came together like a beautifully-sewn piece of quilt. A story told. And the magic is, I don't even know where the hell the story came from. Back then my brain and my fingers--they're really BFFs!! Now I'm trying to bring them back together for a kickass comeback. Sounds like a movie sequel, no?



[11.19] ahh. i couldn't believe i did it! yea, i'm a brave president! :p

where have all the flowers gone?

Ah finally a time to write again! :D

Well, first things first. Not much have been happening lately. Life is decent. There were some minor problems along the way tho but nothing serious basically.

But anyway, I started to feel that slowly but sure, I am running out of control of everything. I have no idea what made me feel this way. But this thinking has been bugging me a lot up to the point that I am worried about what will my life be in the next 20 years?

There are some relationship problems. Well, nothing so serious, but only some minors. But still, it's these little things that bothers me a lot. Like, sometimes this thinking popped up in my mind whenever we got into a quarrel lately: why we can even quarrel over this small stuff when we have already been through the same situation before where we didn't even give a damn about? Sheesh.

I really don't understand. But this I do realise: I have changed. People change. When people change, so does the way they see things.

To sum it up, here's the ugly truth: I become more of an emotional person now, I'm afraid.

Helplessly, now I am becoming more and more, a kind of girlfriend I didn't want myself to be.

Sometimes these days, I wondered why my thick layer of patience is rapidly wearing thin like the dying ozone layer.

Sometimes these days, I ask myself-

Where has this girl I once before gone? The girl with more patience, more understanding, more kindness in her.

I am left confused and clueless. Unsatisfied. Sad and angry.

Angry of what I have become now. Sad of remembering the good old me and the good old days.

I don't even know whether I am being truthful to myself when I write this, or am I just overreacting.

Well, whatever it is, I am a little unwell right now. I am losing my old self. And this new self is not something better, really. I can only pray, that I could work things out slowly, one by one.

Maybe like my boyfriend once said, it's all just a game of mind.

I guess he's right. Dead on.




[17.13 PM] sometimes, i just need your hug and nothing more.







photo from flickr by ainasa: http://www.flickr.com/photos/23179744@N03/3465745433/

bitter repeat

//i wish i could say something rather than just walking beside you, mister//

tonight should've been a fine night

where I imagined a drunk couple

talked nonsense along the way home

and laughed their ass off--staggering along the dim pavement

a rare clear night sky above them, sprinkled with stars

not a sight you could easily find these days in big cities.

but today I went home with a bitter feeling

a feeling once forgotten, and now, resurfaced once more

only to hurt my heart and ruin my night.

a feeling of being useless

not being able to help--at all.

some people say,

i am a good listener

but not a good advisor.

i listen to people's complaints

but, that's about all i can do--nothing more than that.

usually, i've never had any problem with that

but when it comes to the people that i love the most,

and not being able to give any good advices, or comfort when they need it most--

it hurts.

it hurts to see them suffer alone and be helpless about it.

:(

sometimes, i wish i could be a pair of earphones just for once in a while

where i could give something comforting to hear, something to brighten their mood

and not just being a goddamn microphone all the time

where the only thing that i can do is just sitting still while they cry their heart out in front of me.

seriously, i feel like shit right now

so, sorry for this shitty posting.

i am going to end this blog without any enlightment or dramatic exit.

good night and thanks for reading.

hope to see you again in the next posting--which i hope won't be a depressing one.






[10.57] blah.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/20466740@N00/3429476798/

a missing chunk of yesterday.

My hubby is sick today. He's got a terrible runny nose. And a persistent headache. And sore eyes.

Symptoms of a flu.

Plus he got a scratch on his fingers. Not so serious but he got a chunk of skin missing D8

But the best i can do for him was only to put a plaster on his fingers, and hand him a strip of runny nose medicine.

And that's about all.

When I finished my dinner and we have to go back to our own house

I so wished things were the way it was before.

I wish we could go home together somewhere

And when we got home, I'll be telling him to wash his feet, and just rest in bed.

I will pile pillows and adjust them, until it is just perfect for him

to watch movie comfortably while getting some rest

I wish I were there, to open the blanket and cover him up with it.

I wish I could watch movie at home with him

I don't care about what we'll be watching

Cheap comedy, cheesy romance, teen movie, boring movie-

it all doesn't matter to me

Being by your side

Being able to hug you

Being able to take care of you

Is all that matters.

I'll hand you tissues when you sneeze,

I'll give you water to drink, every fifteen minutes

I'll ask whether you're feeling better after taking your medicine

I'll put my hand on your forehead, to check whether you're having fever

I'll tuck you in bed when the movie's over.

I'll hug you. I'll kiss you.

I wish I could.

I wish it's yesterday once more.




[23.30] wishing i was there.

//suffering from written complication.

//crowded neighborhood. reminds me of my recent state of mind//

I really have been wanting to post something to ease my burden here. But then again, I always have this reluctant feeling on writing.

Well, actually most of the times it is just laziness attacks, but what makes me lazy to post sometimes is coz I really don't have enough patient to arrange my words to a beautiful piece.

And because of that, lately most of my postings turned out to be a clutter of awkward pieces strewn together like a horrible quilt.

It's two contradicting stuff really--on the other hand I wanted to write something so badly to ease my mind, but on the other hand, this urgent necessity is also followed by a strict rule which is, I have to write it beautifully otherwise the posting is not gonna help me ease my mind coz posting an ugly piece of writing is just gonna ruin my mood.

At times, I went thru this scenario while writing a blog: Begin to type lazily, excitedly, and impatiently the same time. Whatever it is I write, all I wanted while writing the post is just to make sure I write everything down, and then I just wanted to get to the end of it whatsoever.

By the time I finally finished the posting, having the posting published and begin to re-read it, this feeling of regret starts growing in me so rapidly like a spreading disease. And I started to regret why the hell I have to rush the words. I started to regret why I didn't have a patient to carefully select the right words to express what I wanted to say.

And this feeling will keep clinging on my head up to the point that I feel like deleting the whole post and never to write again. I'd never imagined that somehow writing could be this difficult and so full or burden.

What makes me wonder too, is why I couldn't take writing more lightly. I wish I could enjoy writing like enjoying a cup of tea in the afternoon but it just doesn't work that way for me.

Whenever I started to write, I take it seriously and whenever I re-read it and finally realized that what is written there doesn't really convey the message of what I wanted to say, I feel hurt.

I feel betrayed.

It's just like having a faulty printer--you have this beautiful picture saved in your computer and when you wanted to print it out to show it to people, the once beautiful picture on your screen turns out horrible on photo paper.

That's about exactly how I feel about some of my postings. I feel sad if what's written on the screen is not the same like what's in my head the firstplace.

This is a compromise. A compromise over lack of words and patience which is resulting in inaccurate words, chaotic flow, and half-hearted paragraphs.

And I hate the fact that at the end of these kind of postings, I have to compromise with something that doesn't feel right in my heart at all.

I really hated the feeling where I knew I rushed the words and the posting will turn out messy but I still rush everything anyway just for the sake of completing a goddamn posting!

*sigh*

Maybe some people don't understand why I am so worked up on this and made such a fuss about things like this.

Well the problem is, I really enjoy expressing my feelings via writings coz I'm not really good in expressing my feelings via conversations (but I'm not saying that I write kickass writings either). Because of this lack of ability, I find needs to express my feelings in form of doodles, blogs, or whatever things that doesn't require talking. The problem is, sometimes I find it difficult to find a good and relaxing time, a condition which enables me to produce a good piece of writing.

Sometimes I had this urgent need to post a blog but on the other hand, it's already late at night and I will mostly be out of the house in the afternoon. And most probably now that I am working during weekdays, I won't waste my afternoon indoors whenever I got a day off. So the only free time I have will be late at night and when I started writing at night, there really isn't much time left to carefully arrange your words.

Well, I suspect there is another problem I am turning my face away from or to be more exact, it seems like I am running away from the obvious truth--which is, honestly, I haven't been writing much lately which, of course, resulted in rigid paragraphs. You can call it selfish maybe--haven't been writing for a long time, and suddenly when the urge appears out of the blue, I am expecting the same result, a quality nothing less than my last piece of good writing--which probably years old back then. Sometimes I just won't tolerate the fact that I need to re-exercise my writing to get the soul back.

Wow, the more I write here, the more I started to feel that I am enlightening myself with my own argument and analysis here. Which is a good thing :P

Well, I am quite satisfied with what I wrote here today. When I started typing this blog, I reminded myself to be patient with words, and to listen and to choose carefully. And from that, I learned that not rushing a post made all the differences. Well, I guess what I complained about just now, about lack of comfortable time to write a good piece of writing--it started to sound more like a bullshit. Yeah, I guess it was. I can't blame time for that. Come to think of it, it's not like I don't have much time to write. Actually, I do.

Ohkay, I guess what I write here had solved my own problem. I have to write more often, and more regularly. I just need some writing exercise I guess--that's much better than keep complaining and keep mentioning a list of things to blame I guess, huh? :)


(ahh, I started to feel that it's really worth the trouble to restore my old blog back!)




[12.24] time. it's free. but it's also the most expensive thing in the world, don't you think?

back!

WHEW! seems like i've never visited this blog for three years or more i've even forgotten that i actually have an account here. DUH!!

okay, i'm glad to re-discover my lost sanctuary and couldn't be more excited to bring it back to life ;)

well, so *deep breath* i guess i'm gonna be posting stuff very soon. kinda need a personal space lately.

hurm.

note to self: enough with the Rorschach thingy and the Watchmen nerdiness of yours!!