undead's lament

i'm feeling mentally tired.

i can't live without an obsession.

it's not like i don't have any right now but,

there's simply almost no time left for those obsessions everyday.

if there's even any time left, be it only for a little while,

in that state, i am too exhausted to even think, let alone do.

all those passions, dissolve in this tiredness.

like smoke vanishes into thin air.

this sad routine has made my soul numb.

it's eating me from the inside.

but i am left with no choice at this moment.

and i don't even know why.

there's no chains but i ain't free.

there's no maze but,

i'm lost in the rain. ☂


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[1.42 AM] get me out of here.

my imaginary schedule

07.00 : wake up

07.15 - 08.15 : jogging

08.15 - 08.30 : take a bath & prepare for work

09.00 : arrive in office, have breakfast and start working diligently

13.00 : eat fruits and have lunch

18.00 : go back home

18.45 - 19.00 : sweep the room

19.00 : have dinner

20.00 : take a bath

20.30 : learn japanese

21.00 : drawing daily comics/illustration

22.00 : read online newspaper

23.00 : watching an episode of japanese drama

24.00 : brush teeth and read a novel in bed while preparing to sleep

00.30 : sleep

-----------------

*sigh* I wish one day, it's not merely an imagination anymore. too many things to do, too little time.

------------------

[22.00 PM and stuck on TV and facebook]

lost & found

Ever since I've moved to a bigger room in 20th floor, I really couldn't be happier than to be home.

This makes me wonder why sometimes but being a nonchalant ignorant being I was born as, I couldn't care less about it.

Yes, the reason could be because there's more space to breathe in this room.

But today, the main reason is revealed to me by a decent, common incident

a broken lamp.

this standing lamp which is located just beside my desk, emits a soft yellowish light which blankets the room in a relaxing tangerine, just like the kind of mood you get when you see candlelight inside an aromatherapy burner.

for the past 3 months, it didn't crossed my mind that

actually this serene light has becoming some sort of a therapy for me

it plays a very important role in my well-being

(not to mention it is also the appliance to blame for causing me glued to my chair the whole darned night while spending the night away on the net)

and today when i got home in the evening and found out it's broken,

it's kinda hard for me to accept the fact that i must spend the evening without my daily therapy.

i still frantically tried switching it on and off a dozen times, and plug it into different electric sockets but none of it worked.

finally when i started to feel that all hope is lost,

i picked my sis' old, dusty table lamp, put it on the table, and plugged it.

we used this table lamp in the previous room before.

and it lights the table well. so i had high hopes.

i was hoping to find the same comfort from this light. i hope this small, decent table lamp could be the surrogate for the therapy light.

well, when i turned the switch on, the light was strong, bright and holy white.

but it dimmed my hope. it was nothing close to the therapeutic light i need so badly.

but however, i tried to cope with it anyway. but to be honest, i've lost almost half of my nocturnal mood to start with.

the truth is, i almost cancelled this posting due to lack of mood.

i'm sorry, table lamp. it's not your fault. you're doing it great.

it's just my sentimental inner child sulking when his safety blanket went missing.

well, here i am typing a posting almost half-heartedly and feeling that my midnight soul slowly slipping away.

whether the apocalypse's coming tomorrow, i have to get the lamp fixed by tomorrow.

looking from a brighter sentimental side is,

this incident actualy reminds me of a sweet memory from 6 years ago

which has brought me and my current boyfriend to the way we are now.

and i couldn't help but smiling when i remembered it.

well i guess there's indeed a revelation behind this seemingly common incident

in life, i imagined there is this small counter in the corner

the lost & found.

a small counter with countless shelves, with lots of things on them

maybe a passion, a watch, a brother, a confession unsaid, a letter from a friend, a baggage, or even a piece of heart.

things that you've lost, while out there you frantically searching for it,

and things that you found, a souvenir from the past reclaimed.

if right now there are things that you've lost,

you might as well have found something else you've never imagined.


-------------------- [01.31AM] yes. please do come tomorrow and fix my lamp again, like what you did 6 years ago :)

in the grey.

.

i've arrived to a point

where i can no longer tell

which is black, which is white.

which is which.

i am no longer sure of what i should do,

or what i should not.

be it right be it wrong,

i'm just asking for a piece of justice for you.

i never believed that things should be so unfair.

instead i believe that nothing is wasted.

at the end of this note, i'm still so unsure of what to say.

still in the grey, still sad, still confused, still in doubt,

still haunted by shadows of regret...

maybe i just say i love you.

coz right now,

that's the only thing i'm sure of.

good night and see you tomorrow.

hope you get a good rest so you'll be in a good mood tomorrow.

do know that i always wish for your happiness.


XOXO.




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[3.54AM] ....yes, i can't sleep.

a sentimental journey.

i once read an article saying that,

we are all students of the university of life.

every single one of us.

i guess it's true.

no matter how old you are,

or what you've been through,

or whether you've been doing the very same thing over and over again for years,

but the thing is,

you'll never stop learning no matter what.

there's always something new waiting to be found

a new perspective,

another revelation.

it also doesn't matter how long you've been sticking around with a person,

you'll be surprised to see how much more will be revealed.

after 6 years knowing him,

there's still always never enough of knowing.

i could say that i know him inside out now,

but i couldn't ever say that there's nothing that i don't know about him

knowing someone just never ends.

cause people changes--me and you,

and everything changes too.

today when i just feel that i really have known him inside out,

again, i've found something new.

it could be that i just discovered it.

it could be that he has changed.

or, it could be that i look upon it from another window.

it surprises me how endless is the possibility of learning something new

merely from simple things in life,

the smallest things which reveals many,

old, abandoned details with undiscovered thoughts buried underneath.

you'll never know.

and every time this brand new thoughts surface in my mind,

it never failed to amaze me.

it's like you've passed this small garden on the way to work, every frickin day of your life,

but one day you just discovered that a rare flower grows there,

or someone threw away an unopened letter there years ago,

or a lost lotto ticket that could've been a big win,

or you finally found out where mom dumps your old magazines.

it's this kind of small but sentimental revelations.

life is actually a series of sentimental journeys for me.

and every time this happens,

it always makes me smile when i realized that,

there's always more to life than we could ever imagined.





------------------------------------------------------

[02.31AM] thanks to your call, i got up from my bed with crazy energy and managed to write down this thought. you'll never know it only took two words from you, to inspire a posting. goodnight.

10 Things I Wish I'd Do Daily.

1. Get up early.

2. Go jogging for 30 minutes.

3. Work on daily manga & other personal artwork project.

4. Learn Japanese.

5. Do laundry.

6. Watch at least 1 episode of any Japanese anime/dorama & read at least 1 chapter of Japanese manga.

7. Blogging.

8. Read online newspaper.

9. Drink hi-calcium milk.

10. Sleep no later than 12 midnite.




[1.49] see, ever right this second I've failed no 10! >_<

Day 01

Okay. I am trying fulfill my own promise to write everyday.

Indeed there are millions of reasons to make me postpone writing. Postpone will then lead to mood loss and therefore lead to cancellation. And I have to get myself out of that doomed cycle before it's too late.

Well at least today i managed to sit still here and force myself to write.

You know what? Actually this isn't a simple matter to me. 20 minutes ago when I was walking back home alone from the MRT station, I remembered that I need to start writing. Now or Never. I was so frickin dead on serious on starting to write up to the point that I have been starting to think about what should I write when I passed the security guard at the apartment's gate.

I was like,

oh my God oh my God, it's getting nearer and nearer to the lift! What should I write?

As if I didn't start to write, death will come swiftly to me. Wait. Was it a line from Imhotep's sarcophagus? Am I gonna get cursed?

Yeah, so in the middle of panic attack, many thoughts crossed my mind on what to write.

Oh! Should I try automatic writing, like they taught us back then during early foundation days in college?
I remember it was fun tho I remembered vividly that the content of my automatic writing was so surrealistically emo. Yeah, I was WUI (Writing Under Influence) indeed.
Or should I just take shortcut and write something in point form or numbered stuff? Like, "10 Things I would Love To Do, but I Haven't Moved My Ass Ever Since." Or, "Daily Schedule of My Ideal Day." Or stuff like that, you know.

Yeah, I know. That's cheating. You know a captain cannot cheat death!

Sorry, yeah there's a slight chance I am recently a Trekkie. Or, there's an even bigger fatter chance that I'm a 25-year old frickin fangirl.


Yea, SRSLY!!

Enought with the LOLcat grammar. Scotty, beam me back to reality.

Yea, stuffs like that crossed my mind while I was in the frickin lift! Just imagined how much pressure that me and my big mouth put on myself!

Then I finally reached home and decided to write anything that came up my mind.
Well, at least the writing went quite smoothly, although there were indeed moments in the beginning where I repeatedly paused, staring blankly at the screen, and deleting the entire paragraph, regretting it, and retardedly re-type them all again. Oh well, things I do for the sake of a goddamn posting!

Well, I guess this is good enough for the first day. My posting is quite cynical but that doesn't matter! By the end of this posting. I will tell myself, "Hey look! You finally managed to type something out of the blue! Look, a decent posting... if you'd like to call it so!"

Okay, fine. I'm glad at least it turned out rather well. My goal here is to exercise brain-to-finger coordination day by day. I will keep on writing until I got my good ol days back where when I wanted to write a story, I didn't have to burden my mind with anything at all. All I did was simply sat in front of the computer, open MS Word, and after I set the font to 12 Times New Roman double spacing, voila!--my fingers just run like mad on the keyboard and lo, I saw before my very eyes, words came together like a beautifully-sewn piece of quilt. A story told. And the magic is, I don't even know where the hell the story came from. Back then my brain and my fingers--they're really BFFs!! Now I'm trying to bring them back together for a kickass comeback. Sounds like a movie sequel, no?



[11.19] ahh. i couldn't believe i did it! yea, i'm a brave president! :p