//crowded neighborhood. reminds me of my recent state of mind//I really have been wanting to post something to ease my burden here. But then again, I always have this reluctant feeling on writing.
Well, actually most of the times it is just laziness attacks, but what makes me lazy to post sometimes is coz I really don't have enough patient to arrange my words to a beautiful piece.
And because of that, lately most of my postings turned out to be a clutter of awkward pieces strewn together like a horrible quilt.
It's two contradicting stuff really--on the other hand I wanted to write something so badly to ease my mind, but on the other hand, this urgent necessity is also followed by a strict rule which is, I have to write it beautifully otherwise the posting is not gonna help me ease my mind coz posting an ugly piece of writing is just gonna ruin my mood.
At times, I went thru this scenario while writing a blog: Begin to type lazily, excitedly, and impatiently the same time. Whatever it is I write, all I wanted while writing the post is just to make sure I write everything down, and then I just wanted to get to the end of it whatsoever.
By the time I finally finished the posting, having the posting published and begin to re-read it, this feeling of regret starts growing in me so rapidly like a spreading disease. And I started to regret why the hell I have to rush the words. I started to regret why I didn't have a patient to carefully select the right words to express what I wanted to say.
And this feeling will keep clinging on my head up to the point that I feel like deleting the whole post and never to write again. I'd never imagined that somehow writing could be this difficult and so full or burden.
What makes me wonder too, is why I couldn't take writing more lightly. I wish I could enjoy writing like enjoying a cup of tea in the afternoon but it just doesn't work that way for me.
Whenever I started to write, I take it seriously and whenever I re-read it and finally realized that what is written there doesn't really convey the message of what I wanted to say, I feel hurt.
I feel betrayed. It's just like having a faulty printer--you have this beautiful picture saved in your computer and when you wanted to print it out to show it to people, the once beautiful picture on your screen turns out horrible on photo paper.
That's about exactly how I feel about some of my postings. I feel sad if what's written on the screen is not the same like what's in my head the firstplace.
This is a compromise. A compromise over lack of words and patience which is resulting in inaccurate words, chaotic flow, and half-hearted paragraphs.
And I hate the fact that at the end of these kind of postings, I have to compromise with something that doesn't feel right in my heart at all.
I really hated the feeling where I knew I rushed the words and the posting will turn out messy but I still rush everything anyway just for the sake of completing a goddamn posting!
*sigh*Maybe some people don't understand why I am so worked up on this and made such a fuss about things like this.
Well the problem is, I really enjoy expressing my feelings via writings coz I'm not really good in expressing my feelings via conversations (but I'm not saying that I write kickass writings either). Because of this lack of ability, I find needs to express my feelings in form of doodles, blogs, or whatever things that doesn't require talking. The problem is, sometimes I find it difficult to find a good and relaxing time, a condition which enables me to produce a good piece of writing.
Sometimes I had this urgent need to post a blog but on the other hand, it's already late at night and I will mostly be out of the house in the afternoon. And most probably now that I am working during weekdays, I won't waste my afternoon indoors whenever I got a day off. So the only free time I have will be late at night and when I started writing at night, there really isn't much time left to carefully arrange your words.
Well, I suspect there is another problem I am turning my face away from or to be more exact, it seems like I am running away from the obvious truth--which is, honestly, I haven't been writing much lately which, of course, resulted in rigid paragraphs. You can call it selfish maybe--haven't been writing for a long time, and suddenly when the urge appears out of the blue, I am expecting the same result, a quality nothing less than my last piece of good writing--which probably years old back then. Sometimes I just won't tolerate the fact that I need to re-exercise my writing to get the soul back.
Wow, the more I write here, the more I started to feel that I am enlightening myself with my own argument and analysis here. Which is a good thing :P
Well, I am quite satisfied with what I wrote here today. When I started typing this blog, I reminded myself to be patient with words, and to listen and to choose carefully. And from that, I learned that not rushing a post made all the differences. Well, I guess what I complained about just now, about lack of comfortable time to write a good piece of writing--it started to sound more like a bullshit. Yeah, I guess it was. I can't blame time for that. Come to think of it, it's not like I don't have much time to write. Actually, I do.
Ohkay, I guess what I write here had solved my own problem. I have to write more often, and more regularly. I just need some writing exercise I guess--that's much better than keep complaining and keep mentioning a list of things to blame I guess, huh? :)
(ahh, I started to feel that it's really worth the trouble to restore my old blog back!)[12.24] time. it's free. but it's also the most expensive thing in the world, don't you think?
