Day 01

Okay. I am trying fulfill my own promise to write everyday.

Indeed there are millions of reasons to make me postpone writing. Postpone will then lead to mood loss and therefore lead to cancellation. And I have to get myself out of that doomed cycle before it's too late.

Well at least today i managed to sit still here and force myself to write.

You know what? Actually this isn't a simple matter to me. 20 minutes ago when I was walking back home alone from the MRT station, I remembered that I need to start writing. Now or Never. I was so frickin dead on serious on starting to write up to the point that I have been starting to think about what should I write when I passed the security guard at the apartment's gate.

I was like,

oh my God oh my God, it's getting nearer and nearer to the lift! What should I write?

As if I didn't start to write, death will come swiftly to me. Wait. Was it a line from Imhotep's sarcophagus? Am I gonna get cursed?

Yeah, so in the middle of panic attack, many thoughts crossed my mind on what to write.

Oh! Should I try automatic writing, like they taught us back then during early foundation days in college?
I remember it was fun tho I remembered vividly that the content of my automatic writing was so surrealistically emo. Yeah, I was WUI (Writing Under Influence) indeed.
Or should I just take shortcut and write something in point form or numbered stuff? Like, "10 Things I would Love To Do, but I Haven't Moved My Ass Ever Since." Or, "Daily Schedule of My Ideal Day." Or stuff like that, you know.

Yeah, I know. That's cheating. You know a captain cannot cheat death!

Sorry, yeah there's a slight chance I am recently a Trekkie. Or, there's an even bigger fatter chance that I'm a 25-year old frickin fangirl.


Yea, SRSLY!!

Enought with the LOLcat grammar. Scotty, beam me back to reality.

Yea, stuffs like that crossed my mind while I was in the frickin lift! Just imagined how much pressure that me and my big mouth put on myself!

Then I finally reached home and decided to write anything that came up my mind.
Well, at least the writing went quite smoothly, although there were indeed moments in the beginning where I repeatedly paused, staring blankly at the screen, and deleting the entire paragraph, regretting it, and retardedly re-type them all again. Oh well, things I do for the sake of a goddamn posting!

Well, I guess this is good enough for the first day. My posting is quite cynical but that doesn't matter! By the end of this posting. I will tell myself, "Hey look! You finally managed to type something out of the blue! Look, a decent posting... if you'd like to call it so!"

Okay, fine. I'm glad at least it turned out rather well. My goal here is to exercise brain-to-finger coordination day by day. I will keep on writing until I got my good ol days back where when I wanted to write a story, I didn't have to burden my mind with anything at all. All I did was simply sat in front of the computer, open MS Word, and after I set the font to 12 Times New Roman double spacing, voila!--my fingers just run like mad on the keyboard and lo, I saw before my very eyes, words came together like a beautifully-sewn piece of quilt. A story told. And the magic is, I don't even know where the hell the story came from. Back then my brain and my fingers--they're really BFFs!! Now I'm trying to bring them back together for a kickass comeback. Sounds like a movie sequel, no?



[11.19] ahh. i couldn't believe i did it! yea, i'm a brave president! :p

//suffering from written complication.

//crowded neighborhood. reminds me of my recent state of mind//

I really have been wanting to post something to ease my burden here. But then again, I always have this reluctant feeling on writing.

Well, actually most of the times it is just laziness attacks, but what makes me lazy to post sometimes is coz I really don't have enough patient to arrange my words to a beautiful piece.

And because of that, lately most of my postings turned out to be a clutter of awkward pieces strewn together like a horrible quilt.

It's two contradicting stuff really--on the other hand I wanted to write something so badly to ease my mind, but on the other hand, this urgent necessity is also followed by a strict rule which is, I have to write it beautifully otherwise the posting is not gonna help me ease my mind coz posting an ugly piece of writing is just gonna ruin my mood.

At times, I went thru this scenario while writing a blog: Begin to type lazily, excitedly, and impatiently the same time. Whatever it is I write, all I wanted while writing the post is just to make sure I write everything down, and then I just wanted to get to the end of it whatsoever.

By the time I finally finished the posting, having the posting published and begin to re-read it, this feeling of regret starts growing in me so rapidly like a spreading disease. And I started to regret why the hell I have to rush the words. I started to regret why I didn't have a patient to carefully select the right words to express what I wanted to say.

And this feeling will keep clinging on my head up to the point that I feel like deleting the whole post and never to write again. I'd never imagined that somehow writing could be this difficult and so full or burden.

What makes me wonder too, is why I couldn't take writing more lightly. I wish I could enjoy writing like enjoying a cup of tea in the afternoon but it just doesn't work that way for me.

Whenever I started to write, I take it seriously and whenever I re-read it and finally realized that what is written there doesn't really convey the message of what I wanted to say, I feel hurt.

I feel betrayed.

It's just like having a faulty printer--you have this beautiful picture saved in your computer and when you wanted to print it out to show it to people, the once beautiful picture on your screen turns out horrible on photo paper.

That's about exactly how I feel about some of my postings. I feel sad if what's written on the screen is not the same like what's in my head the firstplace.

This is a compromise. A compromise over lack of words and patience which is resulting in inaccurate words, chaotic flow, and half-hearted paragraphs.

And I hate the fact that at the end of these kind of postings, I have to compromise with something that doesn't feel right in my heart at all.

I really hated the feeling where I knew I rushed the words and the posting will turn out messy but I still rush everything anyway just for the sake of completing a goddamn posting!

*sigh*

Maybe some people don't understand why I am so worked up on this and made such a fuss about things like this.

Well the problem is, I really enjoy expressing my feelings via writings coz I'm not really good in expressing my feelings via conversations (but I'm not saying that I write kickass writings either). Because of this lack of ability, I find needs to express my feelings in form of doodles, blogs, or whatever things that doesn't require talking. The problem is, sometimes I find it difficult to find a good and relaxing time, a condition which enables me to produce a good piece of writing.

Sometimes I had this urgent need to post a blog but on the other hand, it's already late at night and I will mostly be out of the house in the afternoon. And most probably now that I am working during weekdays, I won't waste my afternoon indoors whenever I got a day off. So the only free time I have will be late at night and when I started writing at night, there really isn't much time left to carefully arrange your words.

Well, I suspect there is another problem I am turning my face away from or to be more exact, it seems like I am running away from the obvious truth--which is, honestly, I haven't been writing much lately which, of course, resulted in rigid paragraphs. You can call it selfish maybe--haven't been writing for a long time, and suddenly when the urge appears out of the blue, I am expecting the same result, a quality nothing less than my last piece of good writing--which probably years old back then. Sometimes I just won't tolerate the fact that I need to re-exercise my writing to get the soul back.

Wow, the more I write here, the more I started to feel that I am enlightening myself with my own argument and analysis here. Which is a good thing :P

Well, I am quite satisfied with what I wrote here today. When I started typing this blog, I reminded myself to be patient with words, and to listen and to choose carefully. And from that, I learned that not rushing a post made all the differences. Well, I guess what I complained about just now, about lack of comfortable time to write a good piece of writing--it started to sound more like a bullshit. Yeah, I guess it was. I can't blame time for that. Come to think of it, it's not like I don't have much time to write. Actually, I do.

Ohkay, I guess what I write here had solved my own problem. I have to write more often, and more regularly. I just need some writing exercise I guess--that's much better than keep complaining and keep mentioning a list of things to blame I guess, huh? :)


(ahh, I started to feel that it's really worth the trouble to restore my old blog back!)




[12.24] time. it's free. but it's also the most expensive thing in the world, don't you think?

back!

WHEW! seems like i've never visited this blog for three years or more i've even forgotten that i actually have an account here. DUH!!

okay, i'm glad to re-discover my lost sanctuary and couldn't be more excited to bring it back to life ;)

well, so *deep breath* i guess i'm gonna be posting stuff very soon. kinda need a personal space lately.

hurm.

note to self: enough with the Rorschach thingy and the Watchmen nerdiness of yours!!

:: ureshiikattandayoo! :D ::

[ wake up, wake up ]


[ hnn ? -_- ]


[ breakfast. breakfast! :D]


[ o ? ]


[ tap tap tap ]


[ *sit* ]


[< 3 heee . . . ]


[*munch munch munch* ]


XD


[ . . . gochisousama . . . ]